I am now a free person

My decision to participate in the Companions Program run by the Sisterhood of St. John the Divine has been the best thing I could have done. I am currently participating in a second year of the program. Last June, when my cohort was set to complete the 2023/24 program, the Sisters found they had no applications for next year, whereupon my cohort unanimously agreed we would like to continue together for another year. I have found these years to be both inspiring and interesting, and I have grown immensely.

The program is led by supportive, encouraging and knowledgeable women of whom I have become very fond. Shannon Epp coordinates, while the Rev. Sue House, Sister Elizabeth, Sister Constance Joanna and various guests have taught us much. I think the other Companions would agree with me when I write of what a great program it is. Since the pandemic, it has been offered online as well as in person, which has been such a blessing. I care for my mother, so I could not have taken part at the convent.

This program has been the consummation of an awakening and healing for me, which began about 20 years ago. At that time, I was filled with shame and guilt and was very shut down and barely spoke or participated in life. Gradually over the years, through much journaling prayer, retreats at the convent, the support and love of family, friends and my church family, and psychiatric/medicinal help, I have become a different person. I would not, however, have become the confident, happy, guilt- and shame-free person I am without this little community that has been formed over the last couple of years.

In the past, I rarely spoke in a group setting, not because I was shy, but because my thoughts did not flow. I was very frustrated, because I could feel within myself that I had good thoughts to share, and I longed to share them. I wanted to have meaningful conversations with others, but the words would just not come, and the inward chains that held me mute continued to bind me.

At the beginning of the program in 2023, I still found it quite hard to share with the others what I was feeling and thinking, and I had to make a real effort to communicate. Everyone was very kind, patient and supportive, and I found myself at ease in a very real way. The time given to me to articulate my ideas soon gave me a newfound confidence and filled me with joy. My thoughts and ideas began to spring into my mind and out of my mouth with no constraint. This is the result of the Saturday afternoon classes and the end-of-class Vespers, which we all take turns leading. I cannot stress strongly enough how much being a Companion has benefited me in this regard.

I am now a free person, able to be myself not only with this community, but also in day-to-day life. I no longer feel like a child who must look up to even those quite younger than myself. I no longer feel inferior, the result of life experiences. I can now laugh and enjoy the great pleasure of sharing myself with others, both for their sake as well as my own. I am finally able to give instead of continually being given to. What an enormous joy and privilege. I am able to look after my mother in a way that would have been impossible just a couple of years ago. The freedom is immense.

Another aspect of the program is that we each meet individually once a month with the coordinator, Shannon. She is a wonderful person, full of enthusiasm and interest. I look forward eagerly to my times with her, as she is a kindred spirit. We discuss how things are going in our lives, and if there are things to discuss concerning the program, the opportunity is there.

I have enjoyed coming to know both my fellow Companions and those who have led us. I have come to love and respect them all. Each one has her own unique and special personality, thought process and experience to bring to the classes and monthly meetings, where we share how things are going and join in prayer. I have learned a lot from each one. I hope that after June, when this experience sadly comes to a close, we will all stay in touch. It would be lovely to continue meeting once a month, for example. The members of my cohort are truly my companions now, and I pray that this may continue. I hope also that the 2025/26 cohort may find the Companions Program as challenging and life changing as I have.