I feel blessed in this life

I have been fully retired since the end of April. I am living in both contented, buoyant creativity and a happy discovering of a new rhythm for my days. I love the quiet and the peace. I am elated to be a pastor, a cat lady and a Trekkie. Writing my letter of retirement came from knowing that I was going to be retiring from a job and moving into a time of being. Retirement also calls me to a deeper focus on the continued life of becoming the person God knows me to be.

Retirement is defined as leaving a job and ceasing to actively work in paid employment. By 2020, I was already 66 and knew that the thought of retirement was certainly reasonable, but it still surprised me. Prayerfully, I decided I needed to listen to what I discerned as the Holy Spirit. I also did a lot of reading and asking questions. The bottom line, I learned, is that retirement is usually due to age or health concerns, or exhaustion combined with either (or both) age and health. There is also a spectrum of reasons in between all of these. I began to wonder where I fit into these categories. Many people choose semi-retirement, allowing better financial freedom while remaining in well-loved work. Early financial planning and saving for retirement are marvellous and recommended for good and right reasons. For me, planning and saving money was not possible. I can only describe myself as working poor throughout my adult life. I did my best and am proud of what I managed for myself and my children, but according to all the articles and advice, I should never retire. Looking at my bank accounts with a cold eye only resulted in one thought: working forever might have to be the way for me. However, I sensed from the Holy Spirit that I could not stop in that thought; I needed to look at retirement differently.

I was comfortable with the routines of my work life, and during the years of being a chaplain I had become more settled in being who I am, making me a better pastoral person. I had also found my place and home in the Sisterhood of St. John the Divine as a life-promised oblate. Alongside and in partnership with the Sisterhood, I make a self offering to God. I have found stability. I also have a commitment to grow and be open to transformation and all possibilities with God. I found a good and wonderful balance. I brought all of this into my pondering about retirement, and the joy of it helped me with my singular fear about finances. It also allowed me to listen very lightly to that consistent question I was receiving from people, “What will you do in retirement?” For many who are looking ahead at retirement, the doing is desirable or necessary to who they are, but I knew this was not so for me. I would include life review and practicing the daily Examen as vital to guidance in retirement planning.

In aging, my patience was becoming thin for the vagaries of professional chaplaincy. I was becoming cranky about hospital politics and the constant meetings about strategies and planning. I was unhappy, a realization that was a startling revelation. I wanted to bring constructive observations, participation and useful criticism to my place of work, but all I could muster were complaints and frustration. This was deeply tiring. The arthritis in my neck and hands became a daily accompaniment. I noticed my energy level dropping throughout the day and a fading ability to multi-task; naps and falling asleep on the sofa by 8 p.m. became the norm. I am a happy person, so I was becoming all too aware of these pressing physical and emotional concerns. I realized I was in the categories of age, health and exhaustion. I needed to retire.

I began on-call, part-time chaplaincy to make some needed money. Beyond the money, the time changed me. I discovered my vocation in the ministries of healing interwoven with the full-time job of healthcare chaplaincy. Being who I am and being able to have enough to provide a home was also part of my vocation. I did both. Some years it was a struggle but never one I was called to leave. As I contemplated retirement, I saw how I was content with having enough money, and not more. I looked at my bank accounts once again, still with a cold eye, and saw that what I had was what I needed. Aging in the job gave me stable finances, and I had a pension from the diocese. Retirement lessens expenses, and some expenses I have chosen to drop, with no regret. I feel blessed in this life.